What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up?

What do I want to be when I grow up? I think I've been asking myself that question probably since I was first aware that someday I would, in fact, grow up. Or maybe since I realized that being "grown up" was different than my current state of being. I can remember at times wanting to be a doctor, a writer, a musician, and a costume designer. In high school I had a lot of different interests and talents so I had many options open to me when I started college. By then I began to focus a little more. For a short time I wanted to be a buyer for Macy's. I was interested in business and fashion, and it seemed like I might end up being something in one or both of those fields. Then as college came to an end, I realized what I really wanted to be when I grew up was a wife and a mother.

At some time in the process of getting married and having children I decided I must be grown up. I had apparently reached that place in my life where I was something. I defined myself by my jobs: a full-time wife and mother and part-time accountant, as well as part-time volunteer at church and school. My favorite job title was Mom.

Now that my children are grown and gone my job description has changed and I'm back to wondering what I want to be when I grow up. I'm a young empty-nester embarking on a new chapter of my life and realizing I still have decades ahead of me to plan for, and I'm supposed to BE something, right? I could have a full-time career for the next 25 years, but what would I do and why don't I know what I want to be?

Today I realized I've been looking for the wrong answers. In fact, my whole framework was wrong. Being grown up isn't some state I will reach and then I'm somehow finished or complete. Growing is a continual process. "Up" isn't an absolute measurement, but somewhere above wherever I am right now. And what I am can't be summed up in a few short titles.

What do I want to be when I grow up? I still don't know all the answers but I have some ideas.  I want to be happy and healthy. I want to be kind and giving. I want to be strong and resilient. I want to be curious and adventurous. I want to be a good example and a good friend. I want to be a wife and a mother and eventually a grandma. Some of those things come easily to me and some are going to take a lot of effort. But that's ok, because I still have a lot of growing up to do. I don't need to be defined by a job or career or title. I want to practice all these qualities, and if the time comes when I am actually grown up I hope I've at least made some progress in becoming what I want to be.

Sewing with Sequins

Maybe the world is coming to an end.  I did something that I never thought I'd do - I made myself a sequined top.  Not all-over sequins or anything like that, but yes, there are sequins on this shirt.  I'm pretty sure I've never worn sequins before, not even for Halloween!  I'm NOT a sequin person.

I really wanted to make another version of my sweatshirt pattern, fix any additional problems that cropped up, and have a final copy of a pattern that I can make again and again.  Does that ever really happen, or am I reaching for an impossible dream?  The other "impossible" part of that dream would be finding fabric at JoAnns that I love.  I looked at several possibilities and kept coming back to this gray knit with lines of black yarns and sequins running through it.  I can't say I loved it, but I was definitely intrigued so I bought it.

The fabric is labeled "66% polyester 34%        ".  Yep, that's a blank.  I took a picture of the bolt end while I was in line waiting for it to be cut but I didn't look at the picture until today so I had no idea I was using a mystery fiber.  I think it's rayon from the way it drapes but it don't actually care enough to try to figure it out for real.  I planned to make the pattern exactly the same as I did last time and I even found some ribbing that I thought would work better than the ponte did.  However, when I hung the fabric over my dressform it told me it wanted to be something a little more drapey.  (That was my fabric talking - not the dressform.  My dressform has never said a word to me.)

So, sweatshirt pattern take 2:  I moved the sleeve edge of the shoulder seam forward 3/4" (basically by cutting a triangle off the front shoulder and adding it to the back shoulder) and raised the neckline by 3/4" at center front and 1/2" at the shoulders and back.  I decided to hem the sleeves and bottom edge instead of using the ribbing so I made those pieces longer.  I also made a design change in the back.  I hate how knit shirts seem to cling to my lower back when I sit down and then get all bunched up at my back waist when I stand up.  I think (but I'm not positive) that it's because there's not enough fabric to fall loosely over my back hips and behind.  Since this shirt seemed to want to be loose and drapey anyway, I cut the original back piece into a back yoke, then added 4" at CB to the lower section for a pleat at center back.

I was a little conflicted about the ribbing at the neckline.  I considered cutting a strip of the body fabric, pulling out the black yarns and sequins, and using it for neck binding.  The neck edge really wanted to be black, though, so I went ahead with the ribbing.  After the shirt was done except for the sleeve and bottom hems I realized I should have done some things differently and I almost threw the whole thing away.  In fact, I planned on finishing it on Friday but I just couldn't face it.  It was one of those feelings of complete failure that for a day or two made me wonder if I should give up sewing.

Here's a list of my failures with this project:
1.  The neck binding should have been black spandex or something else smooth and shiny.  The chunky matte black ribbing (also of unknown fiber content) is too casual compared to the rest of the top.
2.  The drop-shoulder pattern worked well in something thick and with a lot of body, but looks sloppy in this soft, drapey fabric.
3.  While my goal was to make something that looked like higher-end ready to wear (or at least mid-range) I made something that you can buy at Wal-Mart or Kohls for about $10.
4.  Overall, I think I took a fabric with at least a little potential and made something completely frumpy and boring.

After finishing the project, I'm happy to say that I also have a list of successes:
1.  I like the idea of the yoke and pleat in back.  I'm not sure how I'll use that in the future but it definitely has some potential.
2.  My shoulder seams are in the right place.  That part of the pattern is fixed!
3.  This top is really comfortable!  If I decide to never wear it in public, maybe I'll sleep in it.
4.  I kind of like the shirt belted.  It's not my normal style so the belt I'm wearing in the pictures is a really cheap one that came with a skirt I bought, but I think I can pull it off.

 

A couple more funny or interesting things to note:  I have a 6-year-old point and shoot camera that I really loved when it was new.  Now my 2 1/2 year old phone takes better pictures, but only when I'm holding it so I can't use it for most of my blog pictures.  I also don't have a tripod, so today I used my car bumper.  Oh, and I'm wearing sunglasses because I didn't want to put on makeup. Yep, I'm that lazy!

This Week in the Sewing Room

I'm having one of those weeks (or maybe months) where my planning is going something like this: I want to finalize my sweatshirt pattern so I need to make another sweatshirt but I can't find any fabric, so I'll spend my time cleaning off my cutting table instead, but it has some unfinished projects sitting on it, so I should work on those, but I need my husband to help me mark some things and he's not home so I can't clean off the table, so I'll clean off the counter but before I can put away the things on the counter I need to make room in the drawers, plus the unfinished sweatshirt pattern is on the counter and if I put it away I'll forget about it... (pause for a deep breath).

It actually gets worse.  I want to paint my sewing room but that would mean moving everything out of the room. Do I really want to tackle that right now? Maybe, because I can move everything into my son's room and he doesn't need his room for another 10 months.  But if I'm going to paint I really should do our bathroom door first because that's been at the top of my to-do list (and the top of my don't-want-to-do list) for a couple years. Guilt tells me the bathroom door has to come first and laziness tells me that's probably not going to happen anytime soon. It's no wonder I can't get anything done. My thoughts keep going in circles and I need to just jump in and start somewhere.

Here's what actually is happening in my sewing room:

1. I have some fabric prewashed and ready to go for a second try at my sweatshirt and button-up shirt patterns. I think it's safe to say that JoAnns is single-handedly responsible for the overabundance of black in my wardrobe.  Is it just me, or does it seem like the colors of most of their fabrics are just a little bit weird?  Maybe they were the stylish or trendy colors a couple years ago but now they look a little bit old and tired? Or maybe it's just the fluorescent lights.  Whatever it is, it seems like I always end up buying fabric with a lot of black or gray in it because everything else just looks off to me. For now I'll just say that both the fabrics I bought are partly black.  Pictures will follow eventually if I ever find my motivation again.

2. I took my sewing machine into the shop yesterday.  It's not running as smoothly as it should.  Maybe because it's nearly 20 years old, or maybe because I've been overworking it lately.  Nothing is seriously wrong, it just isn't making it's usual happy purring sound when I sew and I miss that.  A little TLC at the sewing machine spa should fix everything.  Except that I won't see my machine again for FOUR WEEKS!!  Luckily I have a "guest" machine in my sewing room and I don't think it's owner will need it back anytime soon.

3.  I bought myself a book for my birthday last month: "The Couture Cardigan Jacket" by Claire Shaeffer.  Now I have absolutely no use for a couture cardigan jacket, but I'm getting some ideas about how to adapt this for my lifestyle.  Hmm, we'll see if I ever get past the "idea" stage.  I can at least read the book at watch the included DVD while I pass the time waiting for my sewing machine to return.

4.  I bought myself another book.  (You can never have too many books!)  This one is "Draping: the Complete Course" by Karolyn Kiisel.  It also came with a DVD.  Looks like I better figure out how to use the DVD player.  I'm really looking forward to working through this book.  I want to get my dressform padded to my size first, but that's the project that actually bogged me down a couple weeks ago and sucked all the motivation out of me.  I'm so close to finishing, I should really take a day off from all my other responsibilities and get it done.

I have plenty of things I should be doing.  Sometimes with so many things to choose from it's easiest to do nothing.  I'm going to blame it partly on October.  I love October in theory.  It's warm but not hot, the nights are cool but not freezing.  There's not as much yard work.  I don't have to run the air conditioner or the heater.  It should be the perfect month!  But for me, it's not.  The ever-shortening days wear on me.  I sleep more, I lay around and do nothing more.  I feel a little out of sorts.  Sorry October, you just don't measure up to April.  

Fall Sewing - Sweatshirt

I'm not a big follower of fashion trends, but have you seen those sweatshirts in the magazines and catalogs made out of something nicer than sweatshirt fleece?  That's a trend that I think would work well for me. I want to be casual and comfy but I don't want to look like I just rolled out of bed.  It's a great project for fall, am I right?

I already had the perfect fabric in my stash, a polyester/rayon "sweater knit" in a black and white tweed. It's really terrycloth, which for some reason I didn't realize when I bought it. I love the look of it (and I already have a skirt made out of it) but I can't completely get over the feeling that I'm wearing a towel. By the way, I'm not sure there is really such a thing as tweed terrycloth, but that's what it looks like so that's what I'm calling it.

What I really needed was a chunky black ribbing to go with it. I found some great ribbing in brown and gray, but no black. I checked all my favorite online fabric sources and still no black.  Plan B turned out to be some black Ponte that I found on sale. I wasn't sure it would work for the neck edge. Would it hold the curved shape of the neckline or would it want to stand straight up? I pondered that problem for a long time, and also formulated plans C and D, before I finally just cut a sample and tested it. It seemed to work well enough so my ribbing problem was solved.

The next challenge was coming up with a pattern. I already have a self-drafted t-shirt pattern so that seemed like a good place to start. I love the raglan-sleeved sweatshirts I've seen in stores but I look terrible in raglan sleeves so that wasn't an option. Dropped shoulders are definitely much better on me so I measured across my shoulders to where I thought I wanted the sleeves to hit and extended the shoulders of my t-shirt pattern by 2 1/4".  I also lowered the sleeve cap by about that amount.

Sweatshirt pattern on top of t-shirt pattern: I extended the shoulder, lowered the underarm, lowered the neckline (but I wish I hadn't), and widened the bodice.  

I really had no idea how much ease I wanted in the sweatshirt so I took a trip to the mall and tried on a couple. I came up with some general measurements (at least 6" of ease, 14" upper sleeves, bottom band around my hipbones) and adjusted my pattern accordingly. The pattern seemed to come together really well. Almost too well. Could it really be that easy? At this point I started to feel a little panic. What if this project didn't turn out? What if I put in all this time and had nothing to show for it? What if I fail? These are the kinds of thoughts that have haunted me all my life and kept me from trying new things. Time to let go of that. For goodness sake, it's just a sweatshirt!

I finished the pattern and cut out the fabric. There was one more detail I wanted to add so it wouldn't be too plain. My plan was to sew a 6mm coverstitch along the shoulder and armscye seams, from the wrong side, with wooly nylon thread in the looper. This would give a thick black line of stitching on the right side to set off those seams. I tested the stitch, adjusted the tension, and kept testing, adjusting and practicing until it gave exactly the effect I wanted. Then I stitched the first shoulder seam. It started out great then something went wrong and the rest of the stitches were all loopy. Back to my test fabric (a piece of the sweatshirt fabric). Everything was great on the sample, but it would not work on the sweatshirt! There was no difference between the test piece and the sweatshirt, but apparently my machine could tell the difference and took great pleasure in thwarting my plans.

Ok, I'm smarter than a machine but I know when to fight for what I want and when to switch gears. Time to save my sanity and try something different. I switched to the narrower 3mm coverstitch, the stitching worked beautifully, and although I still would have preferred the wider stitch I love the finished effect.

The neckband went on easily. I should have cut the piece a little shorter but it's good enough that I'm not about to redo it. The sleeves turned out to be the perfect length.  I pinned the bottom band around my hips, decided where I wanted it to sit, and shortened the sweatshirt to that length. An easy and quick alteration to the original pattern.

The actual sewing time was really fast. Now that I have a pattern I could whip out a whole wardrobe of these things in no time! I learned a couple things that I'll take into account next time: 

1. The shoulder seams aren't quite in the right spot. I didn't notice on my t-shirts but the extended shoulders accentuate the problem. It doesn't bother me that much because a ready-to-wear sweatshirt would be the same or worse, but I'll fix the pattern for next time.  

2. Ponte doesn't make the best ribbing substitute. It's stiff and doesn't stretch a lot even though it contains spandex. If I push the sleeves up to my elbows I might just cut off my circulation. 

Despite the imperfections I love this sweatshirt! I'm looking forward to wearing it and to making a few more like it.

Two More T-shirts

It looks like I don't have much to show for all the time I've spent in my sewing room lately. I've been working hard, just not on things I'm going to share. Those "top secret" projects include some cleaning, organizing, planning and fitting. Not really secret, just not very interesting.

I did whip out a couple t-shirts a couple of weeks ago. I realized a few weeks ago that while I've been working on perfecting my fitted t-shirt pattern, tees have been getting looser. How did I miss that? I added some ease to my fitted t-shirt pattern and made a black tee out of the two XL Gap shirts I bought last spring. I also played with my sleeve pattern a little, making the sleeve wider and the sleeve cap lower. I didn't love the results so I won't use that sleeve pattern again. I cut the hem and sleeves hems along the existing t-shirt hems and cut down on the sewing time. It still didn't make up for the time I spent taking the shirts apart but it helped.  The black tee turned out really good. Not perfect, but certainly something I'll wear often.

I also made a pink tee from the new front and back patterns but with the previous version of the sleeve.  It's a keeper, and probably the last t-shirt I'll make until I start sewing for next spring. It's time to think about sweatshirts, long-sleeved shirts and jackets.

I think it's about time to have something to show for my sewing time. Hopefully I'll have a finished item of clothing within the next week.

Great Gatsby Costume

I've been working on a huge project.  Well, the mostly-finished product doesn't look that huge, but the process sure felt like it!  What is a mother supposed to do when her daughter says she just might die if she can't be Daisy Buchanan for Halloween?  Now, this isn't a grade school aged daughter throwing a bit of a tantrum, but a college student studying costume design who has just seen "The Great Gatsby" for the third time and is having a perfectly understandable emotional response to the amazing costumes in that movie.  If that mother is an over-achiever type with some sewing ability, who thinks she can do anything (with sometimes disastrous results) then she drops everything to make a Great Gatsby inspired dress for her daughter.

You would think that with the popularity of Downton Abbey and The Great Gatsby there would be all kinds of 1920's costume ideas all over Pinterest, but I really didn't have much luck there.  I found very predictable-looking flapper dresses, but that's not at all what I wanted.  I used to be a costume purist. If something was set in the 1920's I expected the costumes to be authentic to that time period.  I got over that last year on my field trip to New York City.  One of our stops was at a costume shop, where the owner talked about their design process.  He actually used the 1920's as an example, saying that the styles of the 20's were shocking for their time, but the boxy shapes might seem a little frumpy today.  If an audience is to get a feel for the mood of a show set in the 1920's, the costumes need to have enough modern influence that the audience can interpret them correctly.  Now that I understand that, I can truly appreciate the artistic genius of Baz Luhrmann and Catherine Martin.  They put more details into one movie than I've ever had in my brain in my entire life.  With that in mind, what I wanted was not an authentic 1920's dress, but a dress inspired by both the 20's and by "The Great Gatsby".

I decided I wanted a bias-cut dress so that it would be somewhat form-fitting, with seams mostly on the straight grain so it would be easier for me to sew.  This was my first general idea (and yes, I know I'm not an artist):

I generally hate dresses with a shorter hemline in front (aka mullet dresses) but for some reason it seemed like that's how this dress should be.  I had no idea what to do for the sleeves, I only knew there needed to be sleeves and I figured I'd slap a square piece of fabric on the shoulder, with one corner hanging down the arm, and see what happened.  

I have a duct tape "double" of my daughter so I draped this basic design on the form, first in paper then in rayon challis.  It turned out that my design lines wouldn't quite work right on my short-waisted daughter so I had to make some changes, but I kept the general idea.  This was the first attempt, sort of:

This is actually the back of the dress.  I put it on the dress form backwards because the front looked so horribly bad but I wanted to text a picture to my daughter.  The bodice looks basically the same either way, but the "mullet" hemline?  Well, it turned out looking more like a "pageboy" hemline.  My measurements made sense when I drafted the skirt pattern, but between the diagonal hip yoke and the effect of the bias the skirt ended up being nearly straight across in front, above the knee, then curving sharply down to the back where again it was almost straight across.  Epic fail, but at least it was an easy fix.  Luckily at this point in the process my daughter came home for a 2-week summer break so she could help with and try on the final product.

 We made some design changes, re-cut some pattern pieces, and added some trim, beads, and sequins.  There were small challenges along the way but we muddled our way through them.  My daughter made the headband that's hanging around the neck of the dressform.  She didn't finish the beading before she went back to school but I'm sure she'll be able to finish it before Halloween.  The dress is certainly not perfect, but I actually think it's beautiful, and it was really fun to be able to stretch my draping skills to the limit and to work together on a project with my daughter.

Flashback: 1983 Wool Suit

Thirty years ago this week I waying to finish my annual 4-H project.  l finished this suit on the morning of August 15, 1983, just in time to model it for the judges later that day.  Sadly, I don't have any pictures of my 15-year-old self in the outfit, but believe it or not I still have the suit in my closet.  It's been badly moth eaten over the years and is way past salvaging, but I can't bring myself to throw it away because of all the good memories attached to it. That suit earned me trips to the State Fair and the State Make-it-with-Wool contest.  I wore it quite a bit and I got a lot of compliments. I should point out that a lot of credit goes to my Mom who spent many summers patiently helping my sister and me with 4-H projects.  She was my source of all sewing information and I learned far more from her than I ever have from magazines, college classes and online tutorials.

Here's a picture of the original pattern.  My pattern might possibly be buried in a drawer somewhere in my parents' house but most likely it was thrown away years ago.

 We found the fabric at our usual source, the Pendleton Woolen Mills outlet in Pendleton, Oregon.  Back then they gave customers Pendleton labels to sew in their garments.  I bought some wool there last summer as we were traveling in the area and I don't think they do that anymore.  Too bad.

Look at all those bound buttonholes.  They are pretty dang good for a 15-year-old!

The pockets are real, not just "fake pocket" flaps.

I'm a lot bigger now than I was at 15 but surprisingly I can still almost get into the jacket.  Sure I can't button it, but the front edges almost meet if I tug a little.  The skirt has a 24" waist.  There's no way it will ever fit me again.

It doesn't fit me perfectly in the back, but better than anything else I've sewn for myself in the past 30 years so I may use it in my quest for a fitting shell.  Or maybe it just looks like it fits because it's so tight? And yeah I know the skirt CB seam is in the wrong place and it hangs weird, but that's because it's waaay too small and only held in place by a pin at the hip.

It's kind of sad that I haven't made myself anything that ambitious in the 30 years since, but I guess I know I could if I really wanted to, right?  Maybe this suit will inspire me over the coming months and I'll see what I can do now.

Learning About Leather

2013 was supposed to be the year I finally bought myself a "grown-up" purse. I don't know if that means I'm finally admitting I'm an adult or if I'm just becoming self-conscious about the ratty-looking bags I've been carrying around.  Either way, my under $20 pleather purses are long past their life expectancies and I can't bring myself to buy another one.  The thing is though, I'm not ready to be in a long-term committed relationship with a purse and I can't bring myself to plop down hundreds of dollars for something that will be a fleeting infatuation.

Of course, the next logical step in my thought process is "I can make one!"  I really should stop right there, but once my mind becomes attached to an idea I may as well follow through or I will never be free of it.  I knew I was doomed when I first saw the Craftsy class "Making Leather Bags".  Craftsy has become my enabler. Yes, I enrolled in the class.

It just so happens that I had another leather project in mind anyway and the information in the class, even though it's about making a tote bag, has been very helpful. I started a motorcycle-type jacket for my daughter and she thought it would look better with leather sleeves. My husband had an old leather jacket that he donated to the cause.

When I separated the leather from the lining it suddenly transformed from a plain old leather jacket to the most luxurious material I had ever held in my hand! I wanted to wrap myself in it. Can I make a leather blanket?  As much as I hate taking things apart (because usually that means I'm ripping out my mistakes) I actually loved disassembling this jacket.  I felt like I was freeing the leather.  Finally I had some large flat pieces of leather that I could use to cut out the sleeves.

Problem #1: You would think it would be easy to cut size small women's sleeves out of a size large men's jacket, right? Wrong.  I had to do some strategic piecing and add some seams that I wasn't planning on.  In the end it worked out pretty well.  I matched up the seams I added with the existing seams in the leather so it pretty much looks like that's the way I planned it all along.  

Leather is really pretty easy to sew, at least in my limited experience.  My sewing machine has a walking foot so I didn't have problems with the leather dragging under the presser foot.  I ordered some leather tape to stick all the seam allowances in place after they were sewn.  That was a lot more fun than pressing everything into place, but wow is that stuff sticky!  I'm actually a little bit surprised that I'm not permanently adhered to the jacket.  If anyone ever needs some of my DNA they should look on that roll of tape.  The trickiest step with the leather was probably setting in the sleeves with no pins and no second chances.  It wasn't really hard, just nerve-wracking.

And here's the finished product!

I used Simplicity 2056, and while the reviews of this pattern are generally good I have to say I wouldn't make it again.  Maybe that's because I expect too much of patterns though.  For a jacket that you're only going to wear for a short time I guess it's fine, but if you're going to put the time into making a jacket, shouldn't it have a lining?  Also, while I like exposed zippers, I'm not a fan of having the edges of the zipper tape on the outside.  It reminds me of the t-shirts with the seam allowances on the outside, or anything with raw edges showing.  It just doesn't look finished to me.  But since I only paid 99 cents for the pattern I guess it's fair that I had to redraft some of the pieces and make my own lining pattern.  You get what you pay for, right?

I'm not sure a leather bag is next on my list of projects but it's certainly in the top ten.  I'm really looking forward to learning more about buying and using leather.

Making Labels

For years, decades actually, I've been trying to come up with an idea for personalized clothing labels. After all, I put a lot of effort into making and sometimes designing clothing for myself or my family and I should give myself some sort of credit, right? I was once given a gift of some of those pre-woven labels that had my name printed on them. That was at least 15 years ago and I used them in some of the things I made for my kids but they weren't really my style. I have always been drawn to the idea of using my initials (KC) but every time I played around with the letters I ended up with something too close to Calvin Klein's CK logo.

I kept seeing ads for label companies and I just couldn't bring myself to commit to a logo for 100 or more custom labels. What if I hated them? What if I changed my mind before I could use them all?  I couldn't make up my mind but I never stopped playing around with my initials in my head wondering how I could make a logo out of them.

One day I was looking in my closet, wondering just how many years a certain shirt had been hanging there without being worn, and I had a eureka moment. My initials plus the year, and I would have a label that both identifies and dates my work. Form and function, that's my style!

Fortunately there are either more DIY label options now, or at least I'm more aware of them. I briefly toyed around with inkjet printing on fabric, iron-on transfers and even screen printing, but I finally settled (for now) on rubber stamps. There are lots of tutorials online for making these labels so this is far from an original idea, but here's how I do it:

1. Decide on the label material. I think it should be all-cotton but I haven't tested that myself.  It could be fabric cut into rectangles with all edges turned under, but I decided on cotton tape.  I ordered a 36-yard roll of 5/8 inch "fine cotton edge tape" from Wawak and that's what works for me.  I'm also trying some cotton twill tape that's a little wider.

2.  Prewash and dry the fabric or tape.  Get all the sizing and shrinkage out.  I cut sections of the tape a couple feet long and washed them in a lingerie bag so they wouldn't strangle the rest of my laundry.  Here's what it looked like after washing: 

I guess I should add "iron the tape" as part of this step, but I think it's pretty obvious.

3.  You'll need a stamp or stamps.  I found a set of lower-case alphabet stamps, picked out the letters I needed, and stuck them together on the block from a rubber stamp I already had.  I had to cut around the letters so they fit close together.  For the year I used a date stamp from the office supply store.  The numbers were spread a little too far apart so I just nudged them closer together.

4.  I tried a lot of ink and most of it washed out.  Finally I found Tsukineko brand Versa Magic multi-surface chalk ink at Joann's, and it was perfect.  I got a variety pack so I can change colors when I'm bored with one.  

5.  Now stamp whatever you want on the cotton tape or fabric.  Every time I do it I need a lot of practice to get it right so plan on doing a lot of stamping at once.  Or maybe I'm just lacking stamping talent.  I put paper on my work surface so I don't get ink all over everything.  Only about half of my stamped letters look really good, then only about half of those look good after I add the date. Maybe someday I'll get the hang of it.

6.  Now WAIT!! Set your labels aside for at least 24 hours to let the ink set.  Ok, I haven't actually tested it but I'm going to follow that rule anyway.  I wouldn't want to mess up my good labels.  After 24 hours you need to heat-set the ink with an iron.  I always use a press cloth and press from both the front and back.  The ink has never transferred to the press cloth but I always use it anyway.  

7.  Now wait again.  Nope, I haven't tested this either, but I always wait at least 24 hours between pressing and washing.  I don't think it's necessary to wash the heat-set labels before using them but it's my way to make sure they still look good after washing and before I sew them in my clothes. 

Now I have some cute, simple labels in all the clothes I make.  I can't believe it took me this long to decide on labels but now that I've done it I'm more excited to make things to put them on!  

6PAC Summary

Hooray, I did it! I set a goal in May to sew six coordinating garments before the end of July.  There were certainly obstacles in the way, such as difficulties with my vision and multiple vacations, but I did it anyway.  I wouldn't say it was an overwhelming success in giving me great additions to my wardrobe, but the success came in other ways and I have certainly learned a lot.

Here are my six pieces (and links to the individual blog posts):
Navy polka dot skirt, Pink silk skirt, Chambray shirt, White linen shirt, Red jacket and White t-shirt

Some of these pieces will end up working well in my wardrobe and some won't. I love the navy skirt despite it's imperfections and I wear it every chance I get.  The pink skirt and I just don't get along well.  I've worn everything but the t-shirt but I'll be able to salvage it too.  See how big the red jacket makes my dress form look? It does the same thing on me.  I like it though and I'll wear it anyway.

What I have learned:
1.  I work best with a plan and a deadline.
2.  I need to work on defining my style.  Basics are ok, but they shouldn't be boring.
3.  I've got to learn to take pictures of myself. The dressform doesn't show the real results.
4.  Mistakes are not failures, they are learning experiences.

I will certainly do this again.  Probably not for fall because I have some other projects planned, but definitely sometime in the future.

Plain White Tee

It's time for another wardrobe staple. Nothing says summer like a bright white t-shirt, right? This seemed like the fastest, easiest thing I could sew all summer. Plus I bought a cover stitch machine in March to help with all the t-shirts I was sure I was going to make, and as of last week I hadn't yet made one. It was definitely time to put the cover stitch to use.

This project was nearly doomed from the start. I spent months looking for the right fabric. I have a couple t-shirts from the Gap outlet that don't fit very well but they're made from what I think is the near-perfect t-shirt fabric, 95% cotton, 5% spandex in a weight heavy enough to have some body but light enough to wear in summer. It seems like a basic kind of fabric, but as I searched all the online sources I could think of I couldn't find anything like it. Not even anything close! Judging from the reviews, all the white jersey fabrics I could find seemed to be on the sheer side, not at all what I was looking for. By the middle of July I was running out of time and getting desperate. We happened to be in San Francisco for the weekend and I realized our hotel was only a few blocks from Britex. They should have something. Problem solved! And actually they did have the exact fabric I wanted in several different colors. I could make a whole t-shirt wardrobe, except that the fabric was $18 a yard! I think I usually use 1 1/4 yard for a t-shirt and I planned on getting a little extra in case I decided I wanted longer sleeves. No way was I going to spend around $27 for a plain white tee! I left the store empty-handed. Yes, I actually walked out of a fabric store without buying anything.

There was only one option left. On the way home from San Francisco we stopped at an outlet mall and looked at the Gap t-shirts. They were on sale, 2 for $10 plus there is an extra discount with a AAA card, so I left the store with two xxl white t-shirts as well as two black ones, all for around $19 after tax.  I didn't realize until later how funny it was that I didn't even try on a t-shirt in my size to see if by chance it would actually fit across my shoulders.  So yeah, I bought two plain white t-shirts so I could take them apart and make a plain white t-shirt. Hmm.

The white shirts actually had pretty deep v-necks, not what I wanted anyway, and it was fairly fast and easy to take them apart and recut them with my pattern. The most time consuming part was carefully removing the neck band so I could reuse it. I used the shirt backs for the front and back of my t-shirt, and the fronts for the sleeves. I cut out the sleeves along the front hems so I didn't even have to hem them. I did use my cover stitch for the bottom hem and the top stitching around the neck.

Even with all the deconstruction I had to do the shirt went together fast and looked great. I was pretty happy with it until I put it on. I've made this t-shirt pattern before. It started out years ago as Vogue 8536 but I've changed everything and none of the four pattern pieces are remotely close to the originals. It's pretty close to a perfect pattern for me. The last change I made was to make a more fitted version that could be worn as an under layer. For some reason I thought that's what my white t-shirt should be. The only thing I didn't do on the last version was change the neckline. A fitted t-shirt, for my needs, should have a lower scooped neck. Well, now I have a fitted t-shirt with a high crew neck. It's tight enough that I don't feel comfortable wearing it alone, but underneath another shirt it looks like a men's t-shirt. Ugh. At least I still have another neckband piece, still connected to the original shirt front. One of these days when I'm feeling really ambitious I can remove that neckband, remove the neckband from my t-shirt, redraw the neckline and replace the neckband.  A lot of work for a plain white tee.

Linen shirt

I used to have a white, short sleeved linen shirt that I loved.  Then one day we had a weird tie dye incident at our house and purple spots mysteriously appeared inside our microwave (which was obviously in the kitchen) and on my linen shirt (which was in a laundry hamper on the other side of the house). I still have no idea how it happened but the shirt was beyond saving.

For years I planned to make a pattern from that beloved shirt but like everything else I own the fit was really pretty bad, especially across my freakishly broad shoulders. Did I really want to cut the shirt apart, make the pattern, then make major changes? It sat in my to-do pile for years. Finally a few months ago I bought Vogue 8689 with high hopes of using it to replace the shirt which was showing itself all too often around my sewing room and reminding me I had a job to do.  Still I procrastinated because the thought of trying to get a shirt pattern to fit right was overwhelming. It's very tedious to try fitting the back of a garment without a fitting buddy. I have a 3-way mirror that helps some, but mostly I pin, take a picture with my camera's timer, analyze the fit from the picture, and repeat. I have neither a great camera nor a tripod so that causes problems as well.

I had worked on fitting a shirt some time ago and used those efforts for the chambray shirt I made in May. The fit still wasn't perfect but it was pretty good so I used that pattern as a guideline for my adjustments for the linen shirt pattern. I used the collar and collar band pattern pieces from the chambray shirt.

I ordered the linen online, which is always risky because you don't know how the fabric feels until it arrives. It turned out to be pretty nice and after pre-washing it I got to work.

The shirt went together really fast, no pinning, no hand stitching, this was an exercise in speed sewing. I'm pleased with the results except for a couple of things. 1. The fabric is really sheer. I planned to wear another layer under it anyway, but I didn't expect that layer to show through quite so much. 2. I made the front placket too wide. Well, I followed the pattern but I prefer a narrower placket and I forgot to change it.

I had planned on using the buttons from my old shirt but they were just a little too small for my wider placket. That meant a 20 mile round trip to the fabric store so I could buy 63 cents worth of buttons.  I came home, made the buttonholes, started to mark the buttons, and Oh. My. Goodness.  The collar pattern was for a narrower placket, so if I line up the center fronts the collar overlaps at the front edge. I'm still laughing about it. I have no intention of buttoning the top button anyway so it really doesn't matter to me. It's a good lesson learned and I won't make that mistake again.

Since the shirt won't be one of my finest works I decided to be lazy and sew the buttons on by machine. I've never done it before because I thought I needed a special foot but my sewing machine manual says to just remove the foot. That was easy. I can't believe how fast and easy it was to do the buttons that way!  Seriously, I'm never going back to hand sewing buttons.

Well, I've finally replaced a well-loved but ill-fitting shirt with a well-fitting but moderately-liked shirt. I think it's a decent trade. I'll wear the new shirt, finally throw the old one away, and I've learned enough that the next linen shirt I make should be amazing.

Jacket Express

When I saw the Craftsy.com class "Sew Better, Sew Faster: Garment Industry Secrets" I knew I had to have it.  I think I sew at an intermediate to advanced level but I'm trying to undo years of thinking home sewing methods are the best and learn industry techniques.  Luckily I still had my 50% off coupon left over from joining Craftsy so I got a great deal on this class, which also included the jacket pattern.  My favorite things about the class were no pins and no hand sewing.  I watched all the class videos before my pattern arrived in the mail and prepared my fabric, a red cotton pique that I bought online a couple years ago.  I ordered my threads (regular and topstitching) and topstitching needles from Wawak.  I live in the next-day delivery area so they arrived before my pattern.  I had just recently ordered some interfacing from fashionsewingsupply.com, so by the time my jacket pattern came in the mail (which only took a few days) I was ready to go!

I should have watched the videos again as I sewed the jacket but I was just too impatient.  Not that I really forgot how to do anything, it just would have been nice to have the little reminders right there with me.  I mostly followed the written instructions from the pattern but I thought the videos were much better.  The only time I varied from the video instructions was with the buttonholes on the pocket flaps.  I knew there was no way my machine could handle those buttonholes after the flaps were attached to the jacket so I made the buttonholes right after I topstiched the pocket flaps.

The topstitching was not exactly challenging, but a good exercise in taking the time to do things right.  I had just bought a stitch-in-the-ditch / edgestitching foot for my machine a couple weeks earlier and I found that it was really helpful in doing the edgestitching.  I moved the needle 3 positions to the left and aligned the flange on the foot with the edge of the fabric.  That worked great on straight edges but I still had to be careful on the curves because the flange is far enough in front of the needle that a curved edge will throw off the spacing.  I don't have a 1/4" foot (maybe my next purchase?) so the topstitching that's 1/4" from the edge was a little more challenging.  Again, not too bad along the straight edges because I lined up the edge of the fabric with a line on my foot, but I couldn't tell where I was at on the curves.  It would have made a lot more sense to move my needle to the right and line up the edge of the fabric with the edge of the foot, but I didn't think of that until later. I ended up having much more success when I marked the topstitching lines with chalk on the curves.

The only other challenge I had was with the buttons.  I planned on using some nickel-colored jeans tacks that I had ordered from Wawak several months ago.  I made the buttonholes on the pocket flaps to fit those buttons.  When it came time to do the buttons and buttonholes along the front edge I decided to practice attaching the jeans tacks.  The first sample was bad. I hammered the back onto the button and the whole thing was at a weird angle.  I tried again, still bad.  I was a little confused because the tack part of the button was longer than the shank, so how was it supposed to fit inside the button?  Maybe I was attaching it wrong? I turned to Google for help and found this great You Tube video on jeans tacks.  Turns out I was using a lower quality variety that was doomed to failure.  The video suggested buying jeans tacks from GrommetMart.com, and after searching all over online for other options that's finally what I did.

I'm going to take a minute and vent about places that have good prices and high shipping costs.  If I had seen that the cost of my jeans tacks was $30 with free shipping, or $25 with $5 shipping I would have bought them right away, but when they were $18.80 plus $9.17 shipping I hesitated for a few days.  I finally placed the order and was pleasantly surprised when it arrived quickly, and the 100 pieces that I had assumed would be 50 buttons and 50 tacks was actually 100 of each.  That's a pretty good price for each button if I ever figure out what to do with the 91 I have left.

This picture shows the difference in the two types of jeans tacks.  On the left is the cheaper set with a shorter shank on the button and a long smooth tack.  I tried to cut away most of the fabric from my sample so you can see how the bottom and top pieces don't line up and the whole thing is crooked.  The better type is on the right.  The button shank is longer and the tacks are shorter and have ridges.  They went together well and hold tightly. My first try at assembling the pieces wasn't perfect but it was close enough. Best of all, the jeans tacks look great on the jacket.

The pattern for the class is Islander pattern #218, Jacket Express.  I thought I'd put the "express" part to the test and I timed myself as I made it. I spent around 2 hours cutting and fusing, then another 9 - 10 hours of actual sewing.  I don't sew particularly fast and of course this was the first time I made the pattern so I thought that was pretty good.  The directions minimized switching back and forth between different threads, needles and machines, but still I found myself wishing for another sewing machine so I didn't have to change threads and needles at all.   The jacket has a boxy fit which isn't terribly flattering on me, but it fit well in the shoulders (no straitjacket effect) so I'll probably make it again but add a little shaping in the waist.

Everybody Needs a Chambray Shirt

The last time I owned a chambray shirt was when I made one for myself during the summer of 1987. I made a skirt to match, and I distinctly remember walking down the stairs and my then-5-year-old brother looking up at me and saying, "Wow, you look just like Snow White!"   The closest thing I have to a chambray shirt now is a denim shirt that is hanging in my closet. It's a men's J Crew shirt that I bought in 1991. I only remember the date because I know where I lived when it was new. Yes I know it's kind of pathetic that I have a shirt in my closet that's older than my grown children. I don't know if it makes things better or worse that I haven't worn it for a couple years. Seriously, nothing else in my closet is nearly that old.

Ok, time to get out of my closet and fast forward to 2013. A chambray shirt is a good wardrobe staple and it's pretty obvious I needed a new one. I have a shirt pattern (Simplicity 2339) I've been working on for several months. I hadn't yet made a wearable version (one that fit well) but I was pretty close so I decided to go for it. I ordered some chambray from Gorgeous Fabrics, my first order from them, and was this fabric ever a joy to work with! Seriously, I wanted to order the rest of it and make an entire chambray wardrobe. It's really not a great color for me though, so I restrained myself. I guess that's the big drawback of ordering fabric online. I've never convinced myself to order swatches because if I love the fabric I'll be mad that I wasted the money on a swatch and what if the fabric sells out because I waited for the swatch to come? I have ordered from fabric club swatches and I'm actually a really bad judge of fabric from a small sample.  So there you go, no swatches for me and I'll just live with a color that's not perfect.

The shirt went together well. I made the collar and the cuffs narrower, changed the sleeve plackets, added a shirttail hem and made numerous fitting adjustments.  I had to practice the sleeve placket because I haven't made one in years, and it was a good thing I did. My practice attempt ended up on the wrong side of the fabric but otherwise looked great. That was easy to correct and I'm very happy with the finished plackets.

Next time I make this pattern I need to adjust the shoulder slope just a little bit and I want to make the sleeves narrower (they feel a little "puffy" where they attach to the cuffs). The pattern has potential though, and it's well on its way to becoming a tried and true pattern.

Oh, the Silk Skirt

Last year I saw this raw silk tweed online.  I loved the bright pink and white.  It looked so happy and summery!  Plus it was on sale for $4 a yard, so what was I supposed to do? I bought 5 yards thinking I could make a jacket and skirt.  

See how there are two different colors in the picture?  Well, there's quite a story behind that.  For once (luckily) I decided to test my fabric before I actually made anything out of it.  The silk started out looking like the fabric on the left.  I didn't want to pay to have it dry cleaned so I tried hand washing it.  The bright pink dye filled the sink and turned the white yarns pink.  So maybe hand washing was out.  Then I tried pressing the fabric.  A little bit of steam would help get the wrinkles out, but the slightest bit of moisture sent the dye running.  After testing with a few tiny drips of water it became clear that to keep this fabric in its original color I would be unable to wash it, steam it, wear it in the rain, or cry in it. I had one last idea.  I emailed the nice people at Dharma Trading Company and asked about a dye fixative.  They gave me a recommendation but they couldn't guarantee it would work.  I tried it on a small sample and it seemed to help, so I jumped in and spent half an hour up to my elbows in very hot water and chemicals.  The end result?  What you see on the right side of the picture, which is basically the result I got with hand washing.  At that point I decided I had nothing to lose so I threw the whole piece of fabric in the washer, washed it on delicate and dried it in the dryer.  It didn't fall apart so now I don't have to worry about dry cleaning or hand washing anything I make out of it.  The fabric came out of the dryer really soft, so that's an added bonus.

I had a really good picture in my mind of how I wanted this skirt to look, and this picture actually looks like the picture in my head.  Unfortunately it doesn't look nearly as good on me as it does on the dress form.  I have another skirt in a similar shape and it's not that great on me either.  I thought it was because that fabric was stiffer, but now I'm pretty sure the whole flared, gored skirt just doesn't work for me.  This was another self-drafted pattern, but this time I actually drew the pattern on paper, not directly on my fabric.  Now if I ever want to make myself another unattractive skirt I have the pattern all ready!  Just kidding, sort of.  I think adding more flare to the pattern will make it better for me. I'll have to think about that for awhile, and in the meantime I'll stick to straight skirts.

I kept the sewing super-easy on this one.  Straight waistband, no lining, and topstitched hem.  I made a half-hearted effort to match the horizontal stripe (check? tweed? whatever!) at the seams and it turned out pretty good.  The only problem I had in my visually-challenged state was the hem.  I pinned it up in a couple places and thought I could eyeball the rest, but apparently I need two eyeballs for that, not just one. It actually looks perfectly fine on the outside and I don't think many people will be asking to see the inside of my hem.  I learned a lesson and I'll be more careful next time.  

If I weren't so behind on my blogging and sewing I probably would have taken the time to iron the skirt before I took pictures.  It's been wedged in my closet with all the other skirts I've made and haven't worn.  Stay tuned though, I've got some other finished projects that.... aren't skirts!  

Sewing Blind

If you read my last post you know I've been suffering from some vision difficulties.  I had to think long and hard about what activities I was willing to give up and what activities could be adapted to my partial blindness.  Well, I sew.  It's part of who I am.  It's my creative outlet and has helped me cope with other stresses in my life, most notably the birth of my twins 20 years ago.  I suppose I could have sat back and waited for my eye to heal (I'm still waiting!) but instead I decided to face the challenge of sewing blind (ok, half-blind) head on and see what happened.

I had been waiting anxiously for May to join the Summer 6PAC sew-along at Stitcher's Guild.  The idea is to sew a 6-piece collection of items that can be mixed and matched, and will coordinate with my existing wardrobe.  This makes SO much more sense than my previous plan of sewing a skirt every month for a year.  At the end of 2011 I had about 10 skirts that didn't match anything and they're still taking up room in my closet.  At the end of April I was in Utah picking my daughter up from college and we went to Yellow Bird Fabrics in Salt Lake City where I found some navy woven cotton-lycra fabric with white polka dots that I just had to have.  I guess that was the inspiration for my collection.

May came, we shipped our daughter off to London, and I was home alone, half-blind, and in desperate need of some activity to keep me busy and productive.  I decided to tackle the polka dot fabric.  It really wasn't heavy enough for a fitted skirt but I didn't let that stop me.  I knew what I wanted and I was determined to have it.  I've created a fairly decent pencil skirt pattern over the past couple of years.  The only problem is, it has a yoke and princess seams and I didn't want anything breaking up the polka dots.  Now it would have required very little effort to trace the pattern pieces onto a new piece of paper and change the princess seams and yoke into darts, but I wanted to start sewing right away.  My backup plan (and not my most brilliant idea) was to lay out the pattern pieces on the fabric, overlapping the seam allowances, and trace around them.  Not the most accurate way to get my pattern, but I suppose it worked.  This is about the time I realized that using scissors with one eye (and therefore no depth perception) is more difficult than one might imagine.  Maybe it didn't matter that my pattern wasn't that accurate, because my cutting definitely wasn't either!  The sewing itself didn't go all that badly for my first one-eyed effort.  The invisible zipper in the back has a little bump at the bottom but everything else worked out just fine.  That's a good thing, too, because unpicking stitches is another difficult task with one eye.  I suppose I should also admit that I thoroughly messed up the lining, not because of my vision but because I was in a hurry.  I've never gotten around to drafting a lining pattern for this skirt so I just copied the skirt pieces and figured I'd deal with the back vent when I got to it.  I won't go into any more detail, but I'll never show anyone the inside of the skirt!

Despite the imperfections I actually love this skirt!  It's comfortable, fits reasonably well, and I've worn it several times already.  I will definitely be drafting a proper pattern for this skirt so I can make it again.

My Adventures in Optic Neuritis

(I really wanted to call this post "Optic Neuritis: Into Darkness" but Star Trek stole my title. Oh well.)

Much of this is very personal, but I've realized over the last few weeks that hard times are wasted if we don't make them into learning opportunities, and the things we learn are wasted to some extent if we don't share our knowledge. Hopefully I will learn something through this experience that will help me or someone else in the future.

On Wednesday, April 10, as I was driving down the road I remember noticing a slight pain in my left eye and thinking that if it didn't go away in a couple weeks I should probably see an eye doctor. I think maybe I had felt it for a couple of days by then and was just realizing that it wasn't going away, but I'm not sure.  Pain is really too strong of a word. It was more like a very slightly uncomfortable feeling when I looked too far to the side.  I also had a feeling that my eyes were seeing two different things but I kept closing one eye then the other and I couldn't tell a difference. I figured it was a sign of aging eyes and didn't worry too much about it.

By Friday the sense of seeing two different things was stronger but I still couldn't tell the difference between my eyes. On Saturday I was walking across the lawn, covering first one eye then the other, again looking for the difference. This time I saw a small shadow in my vision with my left eye, just a small darker spot to the left of my center of vision. Funny how medical problems always happen on weekends! I called the doctor and together we decided it didn't warrant an expensive trip to the ER and I was told to call the ophthalmologist first thing Monday morning and make an appointment.

Sunday my vision was worse, the shadowy spot was bigger and looked like an area of fog on the left side of my vision. On Monday there was a thick oblong fog reaching from the left almost to the center of my vision and another thinner fog reaching in from the right. I saw the ophthalmologist that morning. First I went through a regular vision test. I could read the eye chart easily with my right eye. Then as I looked at it with my left eye I started to cry. I couldn't even see the left half of the chart. It wasn't that I couldn't make out the letters, it was as if they weren't even there, replaced by the thick grey fog.  My eyes were dilated, more tests, and the doctor said my eyes were totally fine and healthy. She asked me to come back in a couple hours for a visual field test.

The visual field test was long and boring: stare at a dot of light in the middle of a screen and press a button whenever a light flashed somewhere on the screen. The results, my right eye was normal and my left eye didn't see anything within the thickest part of the oblong fog. I got a printout of the results, but I could have drawn the picture for the doctor and saved us all the trouble of the test. She gave me the diagnosis, optic neuritis, and asked if I was available to see a neurologist in an hour when he had an opening. My day was about to get worse.

I should add here that I'm so grateful for the wonderful health care I have. Pretty much all the doctors I could ever need are in one facility, all the records are digital, and all doctors have access to all my records and test results right on their monitor in the exam room. With different health insurance all the appointments and tests that I had on Monday could easily been spread out over a week or more.

I had an hour break to sit outside, get some fresh air, and google "optic neuritis". Thank you Wikipedia for telling me what the neurologist dreaded telling me, that ON is often the first indicator of MS. I took the news well, both from Wikipedia and from the neurologist (who was obviously unhappy that the ophthalmologist had left him to be the bearer of bad news). At least I had some answers to my questions and some expectation of what was to come. I was scheduled for steroid infusions for the next three days and an MRI.  Surprisingly, I felt pretty calm about what was happening and was even a little curious about what was going to happen next.

Tuesday I drove myself to my first infusion appointment. The two fingers of fog had connected in the middle by then and while I could see through most of it, I decided after I got home that afternoon that it was probably wise to give up driving for awhile.  I spent a couple hours in the chemotherapy area hooked up to my IV, surrounded by patients much sicker than me who all seemed to know the nurses and each other well. I felt a little guilty for being there, feeling perfectly healthy. The only immediate side effect of the treatment was a horrible taste in my mouth. That evening I bought a bunch of mints that became my constant companions for the next couple weeks.

The great thing about the steroids is that the slight discomfort I had felt was immediately gone, and I felt strong and healthy and full of energy. I had a hard time falling asleep that first night, not because I was worried but because I felt like I didn't need to sleep. I spent some time reflecting on the uncertainties ahead of me and the changes that could be coming in my life. I decided to list 100 things worse than MS. I didn't actually write them down but it was pretty easy to think of categories of things that would be worse: things that could happen to my kids, things that could happen to my husband, things that could happen to other people I love, natural disasters, terminal illnesses, financial struggles...  I can't even remember all the categories I came up with, but it's not too hard to think of 10 - 20 things for each category.  How bad can life be when you can think of at least 100 ways it could be worse?

I won't drag out the suspense any more. My MRI came back negative for MS.  The MRI itself was kind of interesting.  I didn't feel at all claustrophobic and the lights and sounds made me feel like I had been abducted by aliens.  I amused myself for 45 minutes by imagining I was starring in a sci-fi movie and I tried to figure out what the plot would be.  It took two days to get the results but the doctor let me know by email that I was fine, then we met with him later that afternoon and he told me I'm too old to get MS if I don't already have brain lesions so I don't have to worry about that at all.  I guess there are advantages to getting older.  The cause of my optic neuritis is unknown but harmless. By this point I thought the worst of my ordeal was over. I was wrong.

After the IV steroid treatment I had to take oral steroids, gradually reducing the dose until I was totally off them after 10 days.  A couple days after each time the dose was lowered I felt such crushing discouragement and depression that I wanted to curl up in a ball and never leave my bed. I was frustrated with my partial vision, I couldn't do the things I wanted to do, and I felt totally useless and worthless.  It took almost a week after my last dose for that to wear off. And after all that, the steroids didn't restore my vision.

Once I started feeling more like myself again I could start reflecting on the things I'm learning from this. The most important thing I've learned is what a wonderful husband I have. He has been so helpful and has shown huge amounts of concern and patience. I'm so glad I haven't had to go through this alone.

I'm now on week 7 of vision impairment.  At the worst point (about weeks 2 - 4) the vision in my left eye was almost totally obscured by a dark gray fog.  I could see vague outlines of shapes but not much else.  It really was very much like being in fog at night with near-zero visibility.  You might think it wouldn't be that bad since I still have vision in my right eye, but it's been much more inconvenient that I would have thought.  It's very disorienting to see different things with each eye.  Covering my left eye doesn't completely help because I still see swirling fog in that eye.  I have no depth perception up close - it's hard to serve food, eat, and put a cap on a pen.  Doing pretty much anything in the kitchen is somewhere between inconvenient and downright dangerous for me.  I get eyestrain headaches a lot, and I wear sunglasses most of the time to cut down on the contrast between my two eyes. Sometimes the weird vision gives me a sense similar to motion sickness.

Two weeks ago I saw the neurologist again.  He didn't seem worried that my vision wasn't coming back yet and told me to check in with him by email in a month, about the same time I go in for another eye exam.  I did notice the day of the doctor appointment that I had a very slight bit of color vision on my far left side.  So far left that something had to be almost behind me.  Not much to work with, but at least it was an improvement.  A few days after that I had a sudden breakthrough.  Instead of dark gray, the fog suddenly became light gray - like driving through fog with bright headlights.  I could see contrasts between light and dark, I could see shadows, and I could tell by looking at a lightbulb whether it was on or off.  It was a great improvement, but since my eyes had gotten used to the dark fog, the change made it so I could actually see less with both eyes together and the headaches were worse.  

I'm finally getting used to the lighter fog.  It still covers my entire left eye but I think it's getting thinner.  I can't see bright white.  The lightest color I get is light gray.  However, I can see more details and I am getting more color vision around the outside.  Looking straight ahead I can't distinguish any colors but not too far from center I can see a little color.  I can't distinguish between yellow and orange, but I can tell the difference between yellow and blue. Yesterday I was able to read (barely) the clock on my nightstand.  I'm hopeful that I'll be able to drive again in a few weeks. I don't know how much of my vision will come back and how much of the nerve damage is permanent, but it's pretty typical that when everything is healed I won't even notice a difference between my eyes.  I also don't know when this will heal.  I think the normal range is 6 - 12 weeks but it could take up to a year.  As long as I keep noticing slight improvements I'm hopefll.

This has really been a great learning experience.  #1 lesson learned, as I mentioned before, is how incredibly wonderful my husband is.  Not that I didn't already know that, but sometimes you just have to be reminded.  I also learned that I can do hard things.  I still think about my "100 things worse than" list and I realize I'll probably have to face some of those things at some point in my life, but if I do I'll still be able to find 100 things worse.  The good things in life will always outnumber the bad, and no matter how bad it gets there could always be something worse (probably even 100 things).  This has also made me realize what things are important to me.  I can't do everything I could do two months ago and some things take much longer and are harder to do.  I've had to prioritize and decide what's worth the effort and what isn't.  I've also taken a harder look at my "someday I'll..." list.  None of us has an unlimited amount of somedays.  Why not today?

I can't say this has been a totally fun experience and I'm glad I'm having it.  I still feel sorry for myself sometimes and get angry and frustrated, but those negative feelings are getting less frequent.  Maybe after this is over I'll realize it was all worth it, but I won't know that until it's over.  In the meantime I'll practice my patience and keep trying to look on the bright side (which for now is my right side!). 

To be continued... when something changes...